Dehydrated

I gotta say, I was always a big fan of Avril Lavigne's first hit "Complicated." With my love of bowel-related humor I may have headed for constipated, but Weird Al was way ahead of me on that. Well, at least when it comes to copyrighted publication because I've been free-styling awful parodies for years. So here I roll with "Dehydrated."



Uh-huh,
Life's like this
Uh-huh, uh-huh
That's the way it is
'Cause life's like this
Uh-huh, uh-huh
That's the way it is

Chill out,
What you drinkin' for?
Lay back, you shouldn't have no more
And if you could only stop at three
You would see

I like you the way you are
When we're, driving in my car
And you're talking to me
One on one
But you become

Somebody else
'Round everyone else
Sweat down your back
You just took Xanax
You're tryin' to be cool
You're drunk as a fool
Can be

Tell me

Why'd you have to go and get so dehydrated?
I see the way you
Have about 14 drinks and you're getting faded
Life's like this, you
Drink then you smoke
Then you eat taco bell then you wake up feeling
Like your bowels really need to be evacuated

Gross, gross, gross

You threw, up, on my couch
Messed up, left an awful smell
What you are is
Getting fat, you see
You're making me
Cry out
When you puke out your nose
And it gets all over your clothes
You know
You're not pleasing anyone
When you become

Somebody else
'Round everyone else
Sweat down your back
You just took Xanax
You're tryin' to be cool
You're drunk as a fool
Can be

Tell me

Why'd you have to go and get so dehydrated?
I see the way you
Have about 14 drinks and you're getting faded
Life's like this, you
Drink then you smoke
Then you eat taco bell then you wake up feeling
Like your bowels really need to be evacuated

Gross, gross, gross...

Chill out,
What you drinkin' for?
Lay back, you shouldn't have no more
And if you could only stop at three
You would see

Somebody else
'Round everyone else
Sweat down your back
You just took Xanax
You're tryin' to be cool
You're drunk as a fool
Can be, can be

Why'd you have to go and get so dehydrated?
I see the way you
Have about 14 drinks and you're getting faded
Life's like this, you
Drink then you smoke
Then you eat taco bell then you wake up feeling
Like your bowels really need to be evacuated

Gross, gross

Why'd you have to go and get so dehydrated?
I see the way you
Have about 14 drinks and you're getting faded
Life's like this, you
Drink then you smoke
Then you eat taco bell then you wake up feeling
Like your bowels really need to be evacuated

Smelly Fart

Well I was just lying here and I cut one that was a bit brutal and so I figured I'll drop a quick little parody based on the Bruce Springstein hit "Hungry Heart." I fear this is not the first, nor the last of my parodies to devolve into bowel humor, but such is my way.


Got a rice and beans burrito with cheddar jack
I went out for Taco Bell and my gas came back
Like a river that just won't stop flowing
I got extra fire sauce and my bowels kept going

[CHORUS]
Sometime's you gotta rip a smelly fart
Sometime's you gotta rip a smelly fart
Bowels get runny and the burning starts
It's first preceded by a smelly fart

I ended up there after I was out at the bar
Felt all that fire sauce coming out my back end
I ordered four items and ripped my stomach apart
Now here I am on the toilet again

[CHORUS]
Sometime's you gotta rip a smelly fart
Sometime's you gotta rip a smelly fart
Bowels get runny and the burning starts
It's first preceded by a smelly fart

SOLO

Every drunk thinks this place's the best
You can order in or you can take it home
Don't make no difference what a nutritionist says
Ain't no drunk who leaves this place alone

[CHORUS 3-4x]
Sometime's you gotta rip a smelly fart
Sometime's you gotta rip a smelly fart
Bowels get runny and the burning starts
It's first preceded by a smelly fart

Drip Drop

I think this Tik Tok song is silly, but it's catchy too. I have reason to doubt the party animal ways of Ke$ha, but that's unrelated for the most part. I think my parody is also silly. I try to keep my parodies PG (for the purposes of the Internet...in real life, oof), but if you know me in real life I have a tendency for mentioning things dealing with poo. I also run a bit and have for a while. Without any marathons under my belt, I think this will sort of work. Yah.

Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy
(Hey, what up world?)
Gonna run a marathon I choose New York City (Let's go)
Before I leave, brush my teeth with a rock of crack
That don't make any sense, but my rhymes are notably whack
I'm talking - blisters on my toes, toes
Wearing my fave running clothes, clothes
Roads blowing up my bones, bones
Ipodding, playing all my fave mp3's
Pulling up to the port-a-potties
Trying to get out all my poopie

[CHORUS]
Had to stop, gotta plop
Diarrhea, blowin' toilets up
Tonight, Imma shite
Til my bowels are alright
Drip drop, that's my plop
But my bowels won't stop
Oh oh, oh no
Oh oh, oh no
[CHORUS]

Aint got a care in this race, except my delicate rear
Aint got nothing but this liner, so hope a toilet is near
Now, the fatigue is catching up and I'm starting to stagger
Gonna crouch at the curb so I can relieve my bladder
I'm talking about - posture really startin' to slump, slump
Boy am I feelin' like junk, junk
Later on gonna get falldown drunk, drunk
Now, now - I'm gonna try not to drop on out, out
Even with my energy all down down,
Energy all down, down
Energy is all -

[CHORUS] x2
Had to stop, gotta plop
Diarrhea, blowin' toilets up
Tonight, Imma shite
Til my bowels are alright
Drip drop, that's my plop
But my bowels won't stop
Oh oh, oh no
Oh oh, oh no
[CHORUS]

Gatorade, you pick me up
I break you down
My heart, it pounds
Yeah, you got me
About to throw up
You got me now
My head it pounds
Yea, you got me
Gatorade, you pick me up
I break you down
My heart, it pounds
Yeah, you got me
About to throw up
About to throw up
About to throw up
No, the pooping won't stop even when I'm walkin'

[CHORUS] x2
Had to stop, gotta plop
Diarrhea, blowin' toilets up
Tonight, Imma shite
Til my bowels are alright
Drip drop, that's my plop
But my bowels won't stop
Oh oh, oh no
Oh oh, oh no
[CHORUS]

Cultured Yogurt Smoothie

Alright so a little parody seemed long overdo. I am low on sleep, energy, things of that sort, but if those sound like excuses it's because they are. So this should turn out as good or better than past efforts. Song selection this go 'round is Living Colour's lone hit (that I can recall) "Cult of Personality." Now, right up until I decided to use this song I thought the title was "Culture Personality." It now makes so much more sense. This is one of those songs I neither like nor dislike and yet know quite intimately. Funny how that works.

Look into my cup, what do you see?
Cultured yogurt smoothie
It's not frozen yogurt, it's not ice cream
It's a hell of a lot more healthy
It's a cultured yogurt smoothie
With Stonyfield's or Dannon fat-free
It's a cultured yogurt smoothie
Cultured yogurt smoothie
Cultured yogurt smoothie

Active cultures, it has inside
The public eats the media lies
You don’t have to be hungry
You can make a light snack of me
I have the bacteria you should eat
Smiling faces sell me on your t.v.
I’m the cultured yogurt smoothie
I exploit you still you love me

I'll help you poop more regularly
I’m the cultured yogurt smoothie
Use Yoplait and Breyer's fat-free
To make a cultured yogurt smoothie
Cultured yogurt smoothie
Cultured yogurt smoothie

Active cultures, it has inside
A woman eats it to reduce her thighs
You don’t have to have me to eat
You can also take a bath in me

I cost a fortune
Economy's to blame
You gave me flavors not to taste the same
I’m what every person should have to eat
I’m the cultured yogurt smoothie
Look into my cup, what do you see?
Cultured yogurt smoothie
If I was paper, they'd make me in reams
You'd be able to write all over me
But I'm cultured yogurt smoothie
With Stonyfield's or Dannon fat-free
It's a cultured yogurt smoothie
Cultured yogurt smoothie
Cultured yogurt smoothie

Active cultures, it has inside
The public eats the media lies
You don’t have to be hungry
You can make a light snack of me
I have the bacteria you should eat
Smiling faces sell me on your t.v.
I’m the cultured yogurt smoothie
I exploit you still you love me

'll help you poop more regularly
I’m the cultured yogurt smoothie
Use Yoplait and Breyer's fat-free
To make a cultured yogurt smoothie
Cultured yogurt smoothie
Cultured yogurt smoothie

Active cultures, it has inside
A woman eats it to reduce her thighs
You don’t have to have me to eat
You can also take a bath in me

I cost a fortune
Economy's to blame
You gave me flavors not to taste the same
I’m what every person should have to eat
I’m the cultured yogurt smoothie

Friday I'm on Drugs

I was really trying to avoid it, but every song I seem to hear lately, if I've got lyrics that aren't offensive, it's about food. I heard The Cure's "Just Like Heaven" and I thought I'd be writing "Just Like Lemons." I started it even and the first line cropped up as a grizzly "Show me how you slit your wrists," and that's no fun for anyone. But I stuck with The Cure and I'm going to reach back to a little tried and true "Friday, I'm on Drugs." Truthfully this isn't very fair because I have a feeling I'm going to have to change only a very few of the lyrics. Oh well, I felt it'd been too long since the inaugural post. Oh, and here's a link because the original's hella tight. Cheers mates.

I don't care if Monday's pills
Tuesday's meth and Wednesday kills
Thursday I don't care about food
Come Friday, I'll need more drugs

Monday I might fall apart
Tuesday, Wednesday stop my heart
Oh, Thursday doesn't even start
On Friday, there're more drugs

Saturday, waif
And Sunday always get real baked
But Friday, never hesitate...

I don't care if Mondays crack
Tuesday, Wednesday - heart attack
Thursday, sounds perfect for smack
Come Friday, it's more drugs

Monday, I can't feel my head
Tuesday, Wednesday might be dead
Or Thursday - watch the walls instead
Then Friday, it's more drugs

Saturday, waif
And Sunday always get real baked
But Friday, never hesitate...

Got bloodshot eyes
It's no real surprise
To see your shoes and your spirits rise
Throwing down with some brown
And just smiling at sounds
I'm so thin it's a sin
Spinning round and round
Always take a big hit
It's such gorgeous shit
Make me sink into the middle of the night
You can never get enough
Enough of this stuff
Yes Friday there's more drugs

I don't care if Monday's pills
Tuesday's meth and Wednesday kills
Thursday I don't care about food
Come Friday, I'll need more drugs

Monday I might fall apart
Tuesday, Wednesday stop my heart
Oh, Thursday doesn't even start
On Friday, there're more drugs

Leftovers (Back)

Since this is the old inaugural post I figure I should go ahead and have a little introduction. Forever and ever, or at least for a pretty long time — a period of time that feels long ago in my own memory — I've enjoyed concocting freestyle song parodies. Doing that kind of thing off-the-cuff is one of the few strengths I have. This is, of course, different than what I'll be doing here, which is actually writing down the parodies. I'm going to I guess write them as the mood strikes me. This first little ditty is sung to the tune of Mr. Justin Timberlake's "Sexyback". Man, when this song first came out, I thought it was shoddily and grimily produced, but then it infected my brain just as it did for so many others. The idea here, which I will espouse in my description (sorry for the redundancy) is that I will compose these parodies in a half hour or less, and Hell, it's free either way. I'm considering lowering it to fifteen even. Song suggestions (as in song to be parodied) and a theme by which to parody are accepted; otherwise I'll just do what I do, listen to that drummer folk who always fails to play the cymbal crash after my most terrible of jokes. Cheers!


I'm bringin' left-overs back,
So if I'm hungry I can have a snack
Got four more sliders in my slider sack
Just heat 'em up and then you throw 'em back

Put 'em in the fridge

[Here is the bridge, or in my case the fridge]

Hungry babe?
Order a milkshake
Your gonna like the taste
But once it's melted know it can't be saved
That's why I get food you can stow away

Take off in my Taurus

[This is the chorus, or in my case, the Taurus]

Don't ever hurl
Pack it up when you done with it
Once it's wrapped
It's okay to be done with it
RIP
'Cause you didn't eat all of it
Caffeine free
Go ahead, put Sprite in it
Let me see what we're workin' with
Nevermind put Coke in it
Pack up those chips
You know you're done with 'em
It makes you smile
Go ahead, reheat it
It's not wild
Cellophane wrap it
And get ya savings on
Go ahead and wrap it

Get ya savings on
Go ahead and wrap it
[Repeat six times]

Get ya savings on

I’m bringing leftovers back
Them other fuckers try to say I'm whack
Tryna front like they ain't tryna snack
'Cause eatin' frequently I burn more fat

Look inside my fridge

[Fridge]

[Taurus]

[Verse 3]
I’m bringing leftovers back
You mother fuckers watch how I attack
If it's an entree you best get fries with that
Cause a value meal can be a late night snack

Drive off in my Taurus...

There she goes. I'm not gonna lie, I was doing other things, but that took me damn near my stated thirty-minute max and that was not a very lyrically-laden song.